How to Keep Your Fire Lit

Burnout.

It’s a risk in nearly every business and every industry, but it seems like in the community development world—particularly in small towns—it seems like it’s only a matter of time before it catches up with people.

After dealing with enough bullshit, people flame out.

There are entire studies being done on the effects of burnout and gads of gurus coming out to share their 3, 7, or 12-step processes to help you avoid it.

Now, hear me out: self-care is super important. I, myself, am a pin-wearing member of the Self-Care Club. But in my experience, self-care only gets us so far.

On any given day in my community development work, a massage feels less helpful than oh, I don’t know, plotting an evil revenge-fest against people who constantly seem to try to thwart every effort to make cool shit happen.

Oh, I know what I’m “supposed” to do here: the gurus tell me to walk away. Let go of anything and anyone that doesn’t “spark joy” or that “depletes my energy” or my personal favorite, that “no longer serves me”.

Well, I’m about to say something that not enough of us are talking about in small towns.

That advice is total shit.

You know why?

Because in most cases, it’s not that simple.

In most cases, you can’t.

Also, a quick point of clarification here: we’re talking about people that you need to collaborate or work with in some way to get your stuff done. We’re not talking about the rando barfly that as a general rule, hates everything and everyone.

Cut those bastards right out of your life. Aint’ nobody got time for that.

But on the level, we can’t just cut people out of our lives in a small town.

You are going to see them again.

Buying gas. Getting groceries. Or my personal favorite, in church on Sunday. (yes, this happened to me…if you want to hear the whole story filled with really good nuggets about how to be a changemaker in a small town, I shared it in this podcast episode)

Technically, yes, you can do whatever you want but in most cases, the people that frustrate you the most are people that have influence in your community and will play a role of some sort in your ideas getting off the ground.

Rather than cutting them off and refusing to work with them in the future, what if you figured out a new way to work with them?

For the sake of discussion and this wicked rad analogy I’m about to throw your way, I’d like to suggest a bucketing system for the people we live, work, and play with.

Of all the people in our lives, they serve one of two purposes: they are either flame-fanners or flame-extinguishers.

Now, I get it. Don’t come at me with this, “But Rebecca, people are messy, chaotic, and nuanced. You can’t possibly bucket them that simply.”

Right on most counts, my friend.

But, yes, I can break it down that simply and I will.

Because this isn’t about them at all.

This is about us: the torch-bearers. It’s for the ones who get fired up with new, fun, exciting ideas and often feel like they’re alone. They get tired. They get frustrated and they question if they’re making a difference at all.

I see you, friend. And I want to offer some ideas on how to keep yourself from burning out.

Here’s the reframe: what if we’re not actually burning out, but instead, we’re allowing ourselves to be snuffed out?

We let the influence of other people snuff out our ideas and with them, our passion and fire for what we’re trying to accomplish.

But, here’s the thing: our flames might be going out because of other people, but we are the ones letting it happen.

No one else is ever to blame for what we think or how we feel.

Read that again: nobody makes us think or feel anything.

This work is ours, and ours alone, to do. Yay for self-agency!

You might be thinking, “Ugh, Rebecca. Just stop. I’m already tired. I’m already fighting the good fight every day. Now you want me to control myself better? You jerk.”

Fair. I get it. I’ve actually said to my therapist that I’m tired of doing so much work on the interpersonal and social/emotional side of things when it seems like literally no one else gives a shit about any of it.

And if you really, truly feel that way, you can stop reading. What’s coming next is going to require work on your part. No judgment. Just choose wisely.

If you don’t like the feeling of being snuffed out by people you can’t change, you only have a handful of options left.

1. You can quit. But from what I gather, you’re not a quitter. AND, growth comes from this pain. You’re continually being refined by these difficult situations. Go you!

2. You can stay and continue to feel like everyone’s out to get you. OR…

3. You can try something different.

You can remind yourself there are always things to tweak or shift that will make you more successful; plus, to appeal to a much nobler motive, you’re modeling the better way, too.

You can literally make the water you swim in friendlier for others like you and all those that will follow after you.

You can be a freaking hero, friend.

So, slap on that cape, and let’s do this.

The concept I’m about to share was born out of first-hand lived experiences being the person with a spark of an idea and the ensuing pain of that idea being snuffed out. Like, immediately.

I’m the person who gets told “No” by WAY more people than have ever told me “Yes!”.

I’ve been the person who simply wants to give up and not do anything anymore because it just feels like no one wants to support my ideas.

When I figured out the “something different to try” it really did make all the difference. So much so, that I’m now sharing it with you in the hopes that you will do whatever it takes to keep that beautiful fire of yours lit.

Initial Spark - the Match

Imagine yourself, the road warrior that you are, driving down a long flat highway, enjoying that glorious windshield time when you do your best thinking, when suddenly an idea bounces off just the right part of your brain, striking a match and creating the spark of a brand spankin’ new idea.

You get a little excited. Maybe a little nervous.

And you immediately think about all the people who you want to tell and you daydream of seeing that little spark of an idea blossom into a full-tilt reality.

Isn’t that euphoria the best???

But this idea is new and fresh, and it needs to be handled with care. Here’s the question to ask yourself:

Who can I share this precious little spark with that will help me usher it forward while also protecting my energy?

With initial sparks, it doesn’t take much to extinguish the flame.

One person says, “That’s stupid” and you’re left holding a burnt-tipped stick.

If after that initial rejection, you still feel the idea has merit, you’ll just strike another match and keep trudging; the stakes are lower at this point.

You can relight that match several times if you need to but it’s so much easier to strike the match once and give it the oxygen it needs to stay lit with a little light fanning to help it grow.

If I were to suggest criteria for who the early flame-fanners might be, these are the characteristics of people to seek out:

• Generally optimistic and positive in nature—flame extinguishers are generally negative

• Not quick to point out problems (you really don’t need devil’s advocates at this stage, but it will matter later)

• Want you to succeed—flame extinguishers don’t

Now, if you look at this list and you feel like only your mom and your cat are on the list, then you maybe need to widen your circle.

The only goal in this stage is to keep that match lit.

The primary people you need right now are Champions.

Champions will encourage you and cheer you on.

They’ll help fan that flame instead of immediately blowing it out.

Cheerleaders are one of the most underrated groups in the game of getting shit done. We often tell ourselves that we don’t need that kind of validation, as if needing a cheering section makes us weak.

We DO need them. In this early stage, all we really need it to be reminded that we’re “good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like us”. Even if IS just your mom and your cat.

Pure intentions of goodwill and generosity aren’t EVER a bad thing! These Champions will give you just enough oxygen and fanning to keep that little match lit.

And once you keep it lit long enough, you’ll eventually run out of matchstick.

Then, it’s time to upgrade your fire tool.

Growing Flame - the DIY Torch

You’ve successfully ushered your baby flame into a toddler flame and in typical toddler fashion, she’s pretty wobbly and she’s freaking unpredictable.

Once you realize that you’re able to keep your spark of an idea lit after having shared it with a few people, you’re “Gonna need a bigger matchstick…”

You’re now going to fashion an Indiana Jones-esque torch: break off a skeletal bone, wrap the end with torn shreds of clothing, and soak it in a river of petroleum to light it.

It’s crude, dripping fire everywhere, and it’s pretty damn unstable.

But, it’s BIGGER.

Now, you’re going to need other people again to help you make it grow.

This is the fun part: the bigger and more complex your idea gets, the harder it is to extinguish. One little comment won’t snuff out your badass torch.

But have we not all met people who appear to always have a wet blanket at the ready to toss over anything they:

• Don’t understand, therefore, don’t like

• Don’t like because it’s new and all new things must be turned over to Ruth Langmore so she can bury them in the backwoods of the Ozarks

• Don’t want to support because they don’t like the way it’s being done

• Don’t want to see happen because the idea isn’t theirs

These people feel like THE WORST.

Unfortunately, these wet blanket tossers are often in positions of authority, influence, or elected office.

So, who DO you look for?

Different than the early stages of idea development, at this stage, you have to open yourself up to some critical feedback.

We aren’t seeking out people that believe it’s their God-given duty (yes, I just said duty) to make sure they “poke holes” in everything.

Instead, we need to find reliable people to serve as Challengers.

Challengers are the kind of people that are still positive and want you to succeed, but they are willing to provide you with a perspective that allows you to see what might create challenges or obstacles for you.

The difference between a challenger and a total naysayer is that they still believe in you and want you to succeed. They don’t revel in pointing out the difficulties; they want you to be prepared for anything and are willing to offer a viewpoint you might not easily see because we get too close to our own stuff. (We tend to think our toddler flame is THE most precious toddler flame that ever lived, right? SO much cuter than your sister’s toddler flame.)

Oh, and you still need Champions! We never stop needing them! Amirite?

As our flame gets bigger, inevitably, we will begin to draw outside attention.

With that attention comes the chance that there may be people lurking around the hedge to accost you with their wet blankets as you walk by with your Indiana Jones torch.

Never fear. This is normal and if you can anticipate it, you won’t be surprised by it.

Here’s how to handle that:

1. Expect them to be lurking - they don’t hoard wet blankets for fun - they’re looking for a new idea to extinguish - always be prepared

2. Don’t walk your shaky torch out in the public square where you can’t defend yourself against multiple attacks from all sides—sorry to be so dramatic. But for real…if you’re going to take that torch out into the wider world, have a plan to protect it.

3. You’re the torch-bearer: when you see your flame weakening, circle back to your initial flame-fanners and reach out to them. Then, here’s the key question, “Who else do you know that should know about this?” Ask your flame-fanners to tell you about the other flame-fanners in their world. They tend to flame together.

Soon enough, you’ll have burned down the length of your DIY Torch and you’ll be ready to be a freaking Olympian.

Torch-Bearing Relay - the Olympic Torch

With enough support to ensure both the flame of your idea and the fire in your heart is going strong, you’re now ready to enlist the help of others to physically carry the torch.

This is a super fun way to think about this for several reasons:

1. The Olympic torch gets lit in the same place every year. In this analogy, that place is you, sweet fire starter.

2. The Olympic torch doesn’t take the same route each year just as each idea doesn’t end in the same place

3. The level of protection needed to ensure it stays lit requires ingenuity and the involvement of LOTS of people, just like your precious idea.

4. Finally, the people that are allowed to bear the Olympic torch have been chosen because of their significant contribution to their community or because they have a tie to the theme of that year’s Olympics. You don’t hand that privilege over to just anyone: you’re selective about it.

This is when your flame is lit to the level that you KNOW you’re going to see it through. Isn’t that exciting??? It’s no longer a matter of if, it’s a matter of when and how.

You know where you’re taking it and you need to enlist the help of a few more types of people to help you get it there.

You still need your Champions and your Challengers.

But, now as the idea gets even more complex, you’ll have to add a few more types of people.

First up, our Co-Strivers.

This group of people is truly more about keeping your internal fire lit than it is ensuring the torch itself stays lit.

Co-Strivers are people who are chasing down a similar dream or goal.

They are carrying their OWN torch and they simply need you to tell them you see how hard they’re working. They’ll, in turn, do the same for you.

They don’t offer advice: they offer a safe space to commiserate and celebrate.

This kind of support is invaluable and it’s often hard to find in our small towns.

And that’s A-OK…there’s this magical, albeit often a gutter-sucking cesspool of a place, called the internet.

There are a million ways to find Co-Strivers.

There are FB groups dedicated to just about everything, including THIS.

If these straight-up weirdos can find their Co-Strivers, so can you.

Yes, it’s hard.

Yes, it requires effort.

You’re carrying an Olympic torch! You don’t want to be the asshole that couldn’t give that extra level of effort now, do you? The world is watching!!

Next up?

You’re gonna need Accountants.

No, I’m not talking about people with CPA behind their name, although that’s a handy person to have in your corner, too!

I’m talking about the people who simply play the role of holding you accountable to what you said you were going to do.

You said you were taking this torch to this specific destination.

Your Accountant is the one to say, “Woah, Sheila. Where the hell are you going? Your route is this way.!”

Not gonna lie…accountants can be a real drag.

But if you’re like me and as you're bearing your torch along said route, you see a butterfly and think, “Huh, I wonder where he came from? Should I follow him?” we absolutely NEED these people.

Lastly, but not least importantly, are Mentors.

We need someone who has previously carried their own Olympic Torch to help us on our journey.

Mentors are the ones who have successfully done what we’re trying to accomplish.

In my experience, finding a mentor can be a tricky thing, especially when you feel like your Olympic torch route is the most unique, never-before-been-attempted route by any previous torch bearer.

Sorry, but get over yourself. Yes, you’re brilliant. Your idea is precious, but c’mon.

This is where looking outside our own industry can be helpful.

A Mentor can often be found in an unrelated industry or business type because, it’s the WAY they’ve run their relay that you can learn from. It’s not necessarily about the exact idea they ushered forward.

It’s that they successfully DID IT.

A Few Notes About Roles

• Rarely are your Champions also your Accountants—T-charts don’t easily mix with tuck jumps!

• You might not need 5 different people to fulfill these roles—praise be the multi-taskers!

• Allow people gifts to shine—if your spouse isn’t given to cheerleading, let it go. Hopefully, they’re filling some role for you because carrying an Olympic torch is hard to do without support at home, but we can’t expect people to do things they aren’t naturally inclined to do.

• Co-Strivers can’t be Mentors—they can offer cool spins and reframes on stuff, but they aren’t giving the same kind of counsel as someone who’s done what you’re trying to do

Imagine the difference in knowing that once your flame gets to this stage, these people will not only be there to help you, but at times, you can HAND THEM THE TORCH to carry!

This is the moment when your idea becomes so much bigger than you and it takes on a life of its own.

There’s an African proverb I love that says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

As much as I Ioathe cliches, this one sings.

When you find yourself dealing with the kind of people that seriously don’t seem to want to support anything, it’s tempting to say, “Screw them. I’m never telling anyone about my ideas! I’ll do it without them.”

Further down the road and around the bend, you’re going to encounter another flame extinguisher.

There are EVERYWHERE. If your success or failure hinges on them, you’re done before you start.

Plus, you can’t carry the full load of even your best ideas alone.

You will flame out.

But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Friend, you’ve GOT THIS.

Your small town NEEDS you, even when it feels like they maybe don’t want you.

Don’t let the flame extinguishers snuff you out.

The fire of your idea and the inferno in your heart both need protection when you’re launching new, big ideas.

I see you. I feel you. I’m always cheering you on.

Go light something on fire.